lost
by FivePastTwo
Summary: Kurapika wonders about the things he lost and wonders. [ Stand alone fic / / C O M P L E T E]


**lost**

**summary:** Kurapika wonders about the things he lost and wonders if he'll ever get them back again.

**words:** 1247

**world:** Probably ten years from the massacre

**warning**: failed angst. I really want to try angst.

**thanks: to my beta-reader I'oOoMoOo**

**A/N**: I will be updating my other fics soon but this is like my writing exercise. I think I got really rusty and I want to get around some writers block, some unwanted emotion and want to know about what you think. :D Please tell me. :D:D Thank you for reading! C:

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**lost**

**By:** _FivePastTwo_

**2014**

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Kurapika looked at the simple mirror in front of him, his dull blond hair and dark rimmed eyes stared at him accusingly. He looked so tired but at the same time, he simply knew he'd had no one to blame but himself and the demons that live with in him. Today of all days, he wouldn't be able to sleep. The souls of the past have come to visit him, exactly ten years from _that_ day.

"Is it today?"

Kurapika ignored the kind question from his loving mother, his body and heart already numbed to the pangs of regrets and wishes. She didn't seem fazed, only smiled at her young son's personal turmoil, unable to do anything to ease the pain of his heart, the pain of his tortured soul.

"I miss you so much."

She was ignored again, so was her husband who had his lanky arms wrapped around her shoulder. They watched in silence as their only child dressed in the dark, his actions so monotonous he could do it in his sleep. IF he ever did sleep, instead of the painful way he closed his eyes and pretended not to move.

They didn't say anything now, only hugged him in the dark with the wind that kissed his skin. His mother didn't comment when she could already feel his bones through his pale, almost translucent skin. "I love you…."

The whispers started with his parents, he found out with the years that had past, he couldn't look at the dark empty sockets. He had so many he lost and he didn't dare rest. He took a deep breath, feeling the burden multiply and the weight become so unbearable.

He walked, one foot after the other in a straight, crisp line. Walk. Left, right. Stop.

It was so easy living. He only needed to eat and breathe. The sausage and pancake tasted next to paper in his mouth, putting just the exact amount and right tip before he forced himself up the table and go to his work. His eyes ignored the sight of a family holding their hands together, his ears shut out their merry voice. He could only see what he wanted to see and hear what he wanted to hear. And he was content, numbness is his ally and revenge is now his soul.

He got to his boss's mansion, sitting next to his daughter and to his second hand. Senritsu wouldn't look at him anymore, the steady beating of his heart was almost as close to the person he had championed over just some years ago.

"You want to say something?" He asks her, not unkindly but not so kindly either. Senritsu shrugged and bit back the words in her mouth. Says them instead in her mind where she could imagine the boy she first met smile with her and laugh, even just a small laugh. She would pretend then that this body didn't exist without what she wanted to call a soul.

"N… nothing..." She stammered out, her shoulders quake and his own body stiffens again. Unknown to her, she wasn't the only one being ignored. The spirits that rested beside her, grinning and smiling back at him were being blocked out. They called his name over and over again until the words started to become a simple chant. Kurapika's hands were fisted inside his pocket, gripping the tiny rounded object that soothed his mind, he already had his revenge. He took a deep sharp breath and counted the seconds till he got home.

He could only see what he wanted to see and hear what he wanted to hear and he was thankful for that.

He got home earlier than usual, his stomach was empty yet he plopped down on his bed and groaned. Feeling the years take its toll on his mind. He tried to sleep and he drifted off unexpectedly. He woke up in the dead of the night, at first he couldn't move. Feeling himself suffocated and the voices whispering getting closer and closer to his ear.

They whispered so many happy things yet he couldn't find it in him to give even a single smile. He buried his face further in the warmth of his pillow but it couldn't drone out the happy words he refused to hear. He sighed this time.

"It's been so long…"

Pairo's voice hushed out the rest and Kurapika could only agree this time.

"I know it's been so long and I haven't restored all your eyes yet..." Kurapika was cut off when he physically felt the souls of his family hug his very being. This was the very first time he addressed them, allowed them to have a conversation with him since their untimely passing but they cut him off, hugging him with their airy hands and tried to comfort him with what their best could allow. Their hands held his body, caressed him lovingly until he calmed down. Hugged him for all it's worth and savoured this one last time.

"It's been so long since you last lived." Pairo told him so kindly, his friend's young face and small hands only inches away from his face. Kurapika could almost feel his warm breathe if he would only allow it. Pairo smiled at him and when Kurapika moved his head, this time the eyeless dark sockets had eyes that greeted him with smiles. Kurapika let the tears fall, bit back sobs but his family urged him to cry. They wanted to comfort him for all the times they weren't able to.

His mother grabbed his blood-dirtied hands and held the Spider head's earing in her own ghostly palm. Kurapika looked at her mother's sad understanding eyes before nodding his agreement. She removed the thing from his hands completely and placed it on her own, far away from him. She bent down and kissed his forehead when his sobs had died out, it wasn't long before that happened.

"We'll say our goodbyes now." The voices said, Kurapika wiped back his tears with the back of his hands before shoving them to his now empty pockets. The weight of it was gone and somehow today seemed much more earlier from the time morning first woke up. Kurapika knew it wouldn't be any easier but he had to live, the whispers of his beloved dead whispered a lot of things and he knew he shouldn't pin them down with him. He saw the last of his mother's blond hair as she looked back to give him one last smile with words that made him smile.

Kurapika groaned.

His eyes were sore and the wetness from it was something he didn't expect. He stood up from his bed, "A dream."

He reached towards his pocket and was baffled he didn't find his small rounded trinket. He didn't dwell too much on it though. When his three best friends greeted him from his room, their smiles wondering if he'll be pissed they intruded in his room.

He took his sweet moment looking at the small homemade cake and balloons, each of them with a pair of tiny striped paper bags, no doubt their gifts for him. He smiled at them, not for the gifts and they in turn smiled genuinely at him.

They never saw him that happy before.

"Happy Birthday."

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**End**

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**lost**

**2014**

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